I think I hold too high of expectations in all aspects of my life. It seems to be I am constantly being disappointed with they way things happen. For example, last night I went to Tressa's for some crafting, and I was looking forward to it; thought it would be a lot of fun, and it was just ok. Of course, after I was only there for a few minutes I was disappointed and just kept thinking about how disappointed I was which continue to ruin my eveing so I know that was my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't ever be happy with what I've got and I just continue to let myself be disappointed. I just want the things that I do to be fun and I start getting excited about them and thinking about them in my head and I start picturing what it will be like and I think it's going to be great and we'll have some laughs, we'll have fun and it will be a great memory, but things keep falling short and I dont' know if I just have an aweful personality, or if it's me or what, but I just wish you were here to talk to about it. Once we were hanging out I was never disappointed with how it went. It was always exactly what I needed. You were an awesome friend and perfect for me. And my life just got way harder since you left. I know that's so selfish to say but it's true. I just dont' handle things well at all anymore. I need you here to talk to about them, you helped me work it all out, or helped me realize 'yes I really am being stupid' or whatever my problem was. And then I always end up thinking about you and how much I miss you and you're all I want to talk about, but I can't talk to anyone about it. That's what makes this all harder is I can't talk to anyone about you and how much I miss you. It just gets really weird and everyone gets really quite and they don't say anything, so then I'm just left feeling stupid and even more alone.
I just still can't believe you're gone. I'll sit there and relive the viewing, and the day I found out and everything and I still don't believe it. I need you. You know what sometimes even makes me feel more sad about this, is I don't know what life will be like once I leave this phase of it. I don't know how quickly I will get to see you, how often, or if it will even matter. I know families will be together forever, but I don't know about friends. I don't know if we won't have anything to talk about because it will be so different; like all of our shows, and movies, and complianing and venting, and all the stupid stuff that we talked about will even matter or be remembered.
I even tried talking to my mother alittle bit there other night in the car coming back from zoo lights, about some of my issues, and she just told me what I need to do, or what I should do, or that I'm over reacting and stuff like that. I just wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand my feelings and how frustrated I am but instead I pretty much got a,"grow up and deal with it and this is how." She just made me feel worse and miss you so much. You could say those same things but in a much nicer way.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it was hard not to question it at first, but it's become a lot harder, and of course that makes me more upset that I'm starting to think a lot more often, "Why did she have to go now? I need her and I just want her back."
