Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Why Can't it Just be About Me?

I know that's really selfish. And I know this doesn't have too much to do with you, but I think it's something I would have talked to you about. I probably shouldn't even be thinking it, but why can't it be just about me, for a little bit for once. What do I mean by this? I mean it seems like whenever I'm sick, Spencer becomes sick too, or he has a ton of homework, and can't really help out, or he's not there. Or if I just really need him, like I do tonight, he's not there because he's sick or he's tired, or he has a lot of homework. You were there for me in moments like this, and I'm sorry because at the end I wasn't there for you. I can rememeber our last couple of phone conversations and you asked if I had time to talk, and I made it seem like I really didn't because I was watching kids, or I was really tired; those things were true, but that doesn't mean I didn't have time to talk. I'm so sorry I was so crappy to you at the end. Please forgive me Kathleen. Please!!! That is one of the only regrets I have about our friendship. I was so awful to you and you were the ABSOLUTE best friend anyone could have.

I just need someone, and I really want that someone to be Spencer. I just want him to be there for me. Today was an awful day, just awful. I had a really really really bad night with Spencer being gone, and with you not being here anymore. So I cried for like an hour, and didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to be alone, so I kept watching Gilmore Girls. I dying for human interaction, so I keep looking at Pinterest, Facebook and watching Gilmore Girls trying to get it. I really need my husband but he's not here. And even when he is, he as homework, or is really tired, or is thinking about running; and all I want is to talk to him, just about whatever. Show him the things I want to do on Pinterest, I just want to share all of me with him. Have him know my likes and dislikes, my dreams, my fears, my ambitions, my frustrations, and I want to talk WITH him about them. Not just tell him, but have him talk back to me about them. But for the most part those conversations are very short and onesided. Like those awkwards moments when you're trying to get the conversation started with someone you don't really know so you ask them a question and they give you a one word answer and then don't say anything. So you give them a couple paragraphs about your response to the same question if they had asked it, and this just continues.

Anyway, so I had a really bad night last night, and then a really bad day today, and almost all afternoon I was seriously thinking about driving up to Olympia to be with him tonight, just because I SO badly want to be with him, and just need to be next to him. I just kept thinking, even if I can just lie in bed next to him while he's doing homework that will make everything better just to be near him. But after talking to him on the phone I have no desire. I just want my emotional needs to be met and filled, but if I went up there, it would be about him being sick, or being tired. And yes, I would most likely want to talk to him but he wouldn't have anything to say. Like tonight I told him about my rough day, including the part about last night and then the frustrations of the kids which are really getting to me, and I ask him what he's thinking, and he says, "Oh, I hope I can make it through tomorrow." I KNOW he's sick and I KNOW he has a lot of work he has to do and I KNOW it's not easy to be away from us, but just everyonce in a while, I want ALL of his attention to be focused on me. I feel like if I could get that just everynow and then that I would be a lot better, but I've tried talking to him about it, but it never seems to work. He just says, "I just don't have much to say. I'm sorry." or "I really was listening to you and I do care about what you're saying, but I just quickly go from one thing to the next, I don't dwell." (ok that last one wasn't an exact quote but he usually says something like that.) or "Whatever I say is going to be the wrong thing and it's just going to make you mad, so I don't say anything at all."

I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning humility, and how to put others first, and put my needs last, and greater love for them and things like that and I know that Heavenly Father knows how I feel and loves me and is there for me, but I want someone physically on this earth to do the same thing to. Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

If you were here...

I know this probably isn't going to help at all, but especially tonight, I just keep thinking about what we could be doing if you were still here. You probably would have been the person I called after I got a ticket. I wish I could have shown you Pinterest. I'm pretty sure you would have liked it, but maybe not. But I would definitely be making the two of us do some of the workouts I found on it. Like having a challenge between the two of us. So we would start off with all our measurements(but it would probably just be weight) and then we would do a bunch of different exercises and record how many/how fast we could do them. Then do the workouts at home by ourselves, and I don't know every month do all the exercises again and see how we are improving. I think it would have been a lot of fun and I can just imagine you complaining to me about making you do it.

There is a play at CC that I really want to go see. When I saw the article for it in the Chroicle I almost lost it though. It made me think of you, and how much I miss seeing plays with you. It was SO!!! much fun. I don't think I will be able to though because of the ticket and Spencer has his engineering banquet on Friday. If I did, I would go by myself. Something I never thought I would do, but I just can't imagine going with someone else.

You know right now I just keep replaying "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the only way I feel close to you. I REALLY wish I had some more pictures of us, and of you, and some actual video of you. Now I'm really mad that you didn't particpate much in the Whose Line games at my party because I have the video of it, and you barely in it. I just want to remember you, and clearly remember our time together. I don't want to forget you.

On Tressa's birthday I'm going to go see Wicked with Tressa, Jesse, and my Mom. I'm really excited but at the same time I'm really afraid I'm just going to lose it there. Whenever I see/hear anything to do with Wicked I think of you. And then it's play and that will make me think of you.

Especially when I think about the working out thing, (I hope this isn't super selfish to say) I really hope I can find another friend where I will have a good friendship with. Ours was the best, and I hope you thought so too. And if you didn't I'm sorry because it must have been my fault, something I messed up for you. It's so hard to go from having an amazing friend and an amazing friendship back to practically nothing. Plus I think it has all messed me up even more mentally so now I'm afraid it will be even harder to make a really great friend.

I miss you so much Kathleen, I hope you know that, and I hope you know how much you mean to me! I really can not wait to see you again!!

P.S. I think I may have heard you say my name the other night. Friday night I believe. I don't know if it was my imagination or what. But it sounded like you. I had the fan going on and if was raining, and I don't remember what I was doing, but I was thinking about you, and I thought I heard it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Sorry Glee

So I hope you're not mad but I can't watch Glee anymore. I haven't even tried and I just know that I can't. A few weeks ago Tressa was over here, and she was trying to figure out what songs she missed from a Glee she wouldnt' watch (I'll tell you why she wouldn't watch it in just a moment) and it just made me miss you too much. It was really hard to sit there and JUST watch the videos, not even a full episode. Then last night my parents were watching on the the computer (they got rid of their satellite), and just hearing it and seeing like 5 seconds was really really really hard. I think it's so hard because you were really the only reason I watched Glee. I had kinda lost interest in it but then you kept asking me about it, and Spencer said he had watched them at school so I thought, "Ok, I'll watch them with Spencer so I can talk to Kathleen about what happened in them." And I really enjoyed our Glee rants, even though now they seem so pointless. Even before you left I tried to see if anyone else was as good about Glee ranting as you were but none of them even came close. It's not the same anymore, and I don't want to feel sad and just hurt because I miss you so much, the whole time I'm watching it, so I'm just not going to watch it anymore.

Now the reason Tressa didn't watch one episode is because it was one where multiple people were having sex for the first time. She said she knows one couple for sure was Blaine and Kurt. She's not sure who the others were. My parents watched that episode and said it was pretty bad. They wish they hadn't watched it. The one little part I saw last night, Finn was proposing to Rachel. And I don't know if you ever saw the aspburgers girl, but she's in the Glee club too. I miss you Kathleen. I hung up the only pictures I have of you and me toghether, from our shopping trip last year, and I see them everyday and I STILL can't believe you're gone. I'll remember you always.