I know that's really selfish. And I know this doesn't have too much to do with you, but I think it's something I would have talked to you about. I probably shouldn't even be thinking it, but why can't it be just about me, for a little bit for once. What do I mean by this? I mean it seems like whenever I'm sick, Spencer becomes sick too, or he has a ton of homework, and can't really help out, or he's not there. Or if I just really need him, like I do tonight, he's not there because he's sick or he's tired, or he has a lot of homework. You were there for me in moments like this, and I'm sorry because at the end I wasn't there for you. I can rememeber our last couple of phone conversations and you asked if I had time to talk, and I made it seem like I really didn't because I was watching kids, or I was really tired; those things were true, but that doesn't mean I didn't have time to talk. I'm so sorry I was so crappy to you at the end. Please forgive me Kathleen. Please!!! That is one of the only regrets I have about our friendship. I was so awful to you and you were the ABSOLUTE best friend anyone could have.
I just need someone, and I really want that someone to be Spencer. I just want him to be there for me. Today was an awful day, just awful. I had a really really really bad night with Spencer being gone, and with you not being here anymore. So I cried for like an hour, and didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to be alone, so I kept watching Gilmore Girls. I dying for human interaction, so I keep looking at Pinterest, Facebook and watching Gilmore Girls trying to get it. I really need my husband but he's not here. And even when he is, he as homework, or is really tired, or is thinking about running; and all I want is to talk to him, just about whatever. Show him the things I want to do on Pinterest, I just want to share all of me with him. Have him know my likes and dislikes, my dreams, my fears, my ambitions, my frustrations, and I want to talk WITH him about them. Not just tell him, but have him talk back to me about them. But for the most part those conversations are very short and onesided. Like those awkwards moments when you're trying to get the conversation started with someone you don't really know so you ask them a question and they give you a one word answer and then don't say anything. So you give them a couple paragraphs about your response to the same question if they had asked it, and this just continues.
Anyway, so I had a really bad night last night, and then a really bad day today, and almost all afternoon I was seriously thinking about driving up to Olympia to be with him tonight, just because I SO badly want to be with him, and just need to be next to him. I just kept thinking, even if I can just lie in bed next to him while he's doing homework that will make everything better just to be near him. But after talking to him on the phone I have no desire. I just want my emotional needs to be met and filled, but if I went up there, it would be about him being sick, or being tired. And yes, I would most likely want to talk to him but he wouldn't have anything to say. Like tonight I told him about my rough day, including the part about last night and then the frustrations of the kids which are really getting to me, and I ask him what he's thinking, and he says, "Oh, I hope I can make it through tomorrow." I KNOW he's sick and I KNOW he has a lot of work he has to do and I KNOW it's not easy to be away from us, but just everyonce in a while, I want ALL of his attention to be focused on me. I feel like if I could get that just everynow and then that I would be a lot better, but I've tried talking to him about it, but it never seems to work. He just says, "I just don't have much to say. I'm sorry." or "I really was listening to you and I do care about what you're saying, but I just quickly go from one thing to the next, I don't dwell." (ok that last one wasn't an exact quote but he usually says something like that.) or "Whatever I say is going to be the wrong thing and it's just going to make you mad, so I don't say anything at all."
I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning humility, and how to put others first, and put my needs last, and greater love for them and things like that and I know that Heavenly Father knows how I feel and loves me and is there for me, but I want someone physically on this earth to do the same thing to. Is that too much to ask?
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