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Guess what? I'm pregnant. You were one of the first people I told last time and I wanted it to be the same this time. I really miss you. If it's a girl I really want to name her Scarlett Kathleen. Spencer doesn't really like Scarlett but no matter what if it's a girl I want her middle name to be Kathleen. I think Scarlett fits pretty well; i think they sound good together and because Scarlett Johnason played black widow  in a super hero movie and I really miss having you here to talk about Super hero stuff and everything. Kathleen, you were my very best friend. Meaning you were my best best friend. I'll never tell Melissa that but it's true. I love you -Melia

State Wrestling

Today was the first year since I've worked for NSP that I did not work at State Wrestling. It's not weird unless I really think about it. Yes, it is really annoying having to explain a million and one times that "There are two kids in the photo. The other wrestler may have boughten them." And yes, it is even more annoying to tell people, "Or it could be in the wrong folder." Then they check the weight above and below, and still no pictures. "Well, it could really be in any box." But at the same time I enjoy working with my Dad, and my sister. And I enjoy the bustle and commotion, at least for a little while. And it's something I've done every year. Instead I worked a hockey tournament up in Lynwood which was off of Exit 179. You would have gone into hysterics I'm sure with how far away it was. The hockey tournament, was just your normal side tournament. Pictures were just ok. Almost a constand stream of a couple people coming to look at the pictures and not buying or if they did they bought only one sheet. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, at this tournament I didn't have anyone come up after a game and ask if those pictures were there already. There were a lot of Canadians which was interesting. A good interesting. For a while it really made me not like the American way, or at least what it seemed like we are becoming. Also, I'm sick, I think I have a sinus infection, so because of that it was really nice to not have to yell to talk to costumers, and for the most part it was really easy to hear my costumers (besides the thick accents).

But I think what was most weird was you not being apart of it. That's the other reason I'm glad I didn't go to wrestling. You've been at it the last two years, and it's been so much fun having you there. Now I know you wouldn't have been able to come anyway because you have a class on Saturday morning, but at least I would be able to text you about all the complaints I had about the costumers. Erica said she really missed having me and you there.

I don't know maybe I'm making this too dramatic. But when I think about it, I think, "It's not that I missed the State Wrestling, it's that it didn't happen yet, because I NEVER miss state wrestling. It's one of the only state jobs I can count on anymore." But it really is that I missed it. And it all just makes me think of you. I even sent you a text today. I know you won't recieve it, but still. I told you I missed you. Altough, I must admit that I'm kinda afraid I'm going to get a reply back.

I had a dream about you the other night. You were still dead, but somehow you were able to come back for a little bit. I think we were doing dishes at a very long kitchen sink, and I didn't know what to say to you so I just kept telling you how much I missed you, mostly because that's all I could think about, was how much I wished you were still here. I still think about you almost everyday. And it seems to be usually multiple times a day. As always, I still can't grasp the concept that you're gone. Or I don't know, maybe I can but I find that weird and so I think it's me not being able to grasp it. I don't get quite as sad when I think about it. I just get really lonely for my best friend. And I think about how are relationship would be right now. With you in school and living in Olympia. My parents have been gone a lot these last few weeks with distric basketball games, and so I've been home alone with the girls a lot in the evenings. Now once again, I know you wouldnt' have been able to come over, and even if you would have, you probably wouldn't have wanted to because we're all sick, but I wish that you could come over for dinner. And it makes me think back to what I think is the last time I saw you. When you came over here for dinner, because I called you because I was tired of being alone and I wanted to see you. I just regret not calling you sooner, and not seeing you just one more time.

Why Can't it Just be About Me?

I know that's really selfish. And I know this doesn't have too much to do with you, but I think it's something I would have talked to you about. I probably shouldn't even be thinking it, but why can't it be just about me, for a little bit for once. What do I mean by this? I mean it seems like whenever I'm sick, Spencer becomes sick too, or he has a ton of homework, and can't really help out, or he's not there. Or if I just really need him, like I do tonight, he's not there because he's sick or he's tired, or he has a lot of homework. You were there for me in moments like this, and I'm sorry because at the end I wasn't there for you. I can rememeber our last couple of phone conversations and you asked if I had time to talk, and I made it seem like I really didn't because I was watching kids, or I was really tired; those things were true, but that doesn't mean I didn't have time to talk. I'm so sorry I was so crappy to you at the end. Please forgive me Kathleen. Please!!! That is one of the only regrets I have about our friendship. I was so awful to you and you were the ABSOLUTE best friend anyone could have.

I just need someone, and I really want that someone to be Spencer. I just want him to be there for me. Today was an awful day, just awful. I had a really really really bad night with Spencer being gone, and with you not being here anymore. So I cried for like an hour, and didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to be alone, so I kept watching Gilmore Girls. I dying for human interaction, so I keep looking at Pinterest, Facebook and watching Gilmore Girls trying to get it. I really need my husband but he's not here. And even when he is, he as homework, or is really tired, or is thinking about running; and all I want is to talk to him, just about whatever. Show him the things I want to do on Pinterest, I just want to share all of me with him. Have him know my likes and dislikes, my dreams, my fears, my ambitions, my frustrations, and I want to talk WITH him about them. Not just tell him, but have him talk back to me about them. But for the most part those conversations are very short and onesided. Like those awkwards moments when you're trying to get the conversation started with someone you don't really know so you ask them a question and they give you a one word answer and then don't say anything. So you give them a couple paragraphs about your response to the same question if they had asked it, and this just continues.

Anyway, so I had a really bad night last night, and then a really bad day today, and almost all afternoon I was seriously thinking about driving up to Olympia to be with him tonight, just because I SO badly want to be with him, and just need to be next to him. I just kept thinking, even if I can just lie in bed next to him while he's doing homework that will make everything better just to be near him. But after talking to him on the phone I have no desire. I just want my emotional needs to be met and filled, but if I went up there, it would be about him being sick, or being tired. And yes, I would most likely want to talk to him but he wouldn't have anything to say. Like tonight I told him about my rough day, including the part about last night and then the frustrations of the kids which are really getting to me, and I ask him what he's thinking, and he says, "Oh, I hope I can make it through tomorrow." I KNOW he's sick and I KNOW he has a lot of work he has to do and I KNOW it's not easy to be away from us, but just everyonce in a while, I want ALL of his attention to be focused on me. I feel like if I could get that just everynow and then that I would be a lot better, but I've tried talking to him about it, but it never seems to work. He just says, "I just don't have much to say. I'm sorry." or "I really was listening to you and I do care about what you're saying, but I just quickly go from one thing to the next, I don't dwell." (ok that last one wasn't an exact quote but he usually says something like that.) or "Whatever I say is going to be the wrong thing and it's just going to make you mad, so I don't say anything at all."

I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning humility, and how to put others first, and put my needs last, and greater love for them and things like that and I know that Heavenly Father knows how I feel and loves me and is there for me, but I want someone physically on this earth to do the same thing to. Is that too much to ask?

If you were here...

I know this probably isn't going to help at all, but especially tonight, I just keep thinking about what we could be doing if you were still here. You probably would have been the person I called after I got a ticket. I wish I could have shown you Pinterest. I'm pretty sure you would have liked it, but maybe not. But I would definitely be making the two of us do some of the workouts I found on it. Like having a challenge between the two of us. So we would start off with all our measurements(but it would probably just be weight) and then we would do a bunch of different exercises and record how many/how fast we could do them. Then do the workouts at home by ourselves, and I don't know every month do all the exercises again and see how we are improving. I think it would have been a lot of fun and I can just imagine you complaining to me about making you do it.

There is a play at CC that I really want to go see. When I saw the article for it in the Chroicle I almost lost it though. It made me think of you, and how much I miss seeing plays with you. It was SO!!! much fun. I don't think I will be able to though because of the ticket and Spencer has his engineering banquet on Friday. If I did, I would go by myself. Something I never thought I would do, but I just can't imagine going with someone else.

You know right now I just keep replaying "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the only way I feel close to you. I REALLY wish I had some more pictures of us, and of you, and some actual video of you. Now I'm really mad that you didn't particpate much in the Whose Line games at my party because I have the video of it, and you barely in it. I just want to remember you, and clearly remember our time together. I don't want to forget you.

On Tressa's birthday I'm going to go see Wicked with Tressa, Jesse, and my Mom. I'm really excited but at the same time I'm really afraid I'm just going to lose it there. Whenever I see/hear anything to do with Wicked I think of you. And then it's play and that will make me think of you.

Especially when I think about the working out thing, (I hope this isn't super selfish to say) I really hope I can find another friend where I will have a good friendship with. Ours was the best, and I hope you thought so too. And if you didn't I'm sorry because it must have been my fault, something I messed up for you. It's so hard to go from having an amazing friend and an amazing friendship back to practically nothing. Plus I think it has all messed me up even more mentally so now I'm afraid it will be even harder to make a really great friend.

I miss you so much Kathleen, I hope you know that, and I hope you know how much you mean to me! I really can not wait to see you again!!

P.S. I think I may have heard you say my name the other night. Friday night I believe. I don't know if it was my imagination or what. But it sounded like you. I had the fan going on and if was raining, and I don't remember what I was doing, but I was thinking about you, and I thought I heard it.

Sorry Glee

So I hope you're not mad but I can't watch Glee anymore. I haven't even tried and I just know that I can't. A few weeks ago Tressa was over here, and she was trying to figure out what songs she missed from a Glee she wouldnt' watch (I'll tell you why she wouldn't watch it in just a moment) and it just made me miss you too much. It was really hard to sit there and JUST watch the videos, not even a full episode. Then last night my parents were watching on the the computer (they got rid of their satellite), and just hearing it and seeing like 5 seconds was really really really hard. I think it's so hard because you were really the only reason I watched Glee. I had kinda lost interest in it but then you kept asking me about it, and Spencer said he had watched them at school so I thought, "Ok, I'll watch them with Spencer so I can talk to Kathleen about what happened in them." And I really enjoyed our Glee rants, even though now they seem so pointless. Even before you left I tried to see if anyone else was as good about Glee ranting as you were but none of them even came close. It's not the same anymore, and I don't want to feel sad and just hurt because I miss you so much, the whole time I'm watching it, so I'm just not going to watch it anymore.

Now the reason Tressa didn't watch one episode is because it was one where multiple people were having sex for the first time. She said she knows one couple for sure was Blaine and Kurt. She's not sure who the others were. My parents watched that episode and said it was pretty bad. They wish they hadn't watched it. The one little part I saw last night, Finn was proposing to Rachel. And I don't know if you ever saw the aspburgers girl, but she's in the Glee club too. I miss you Kathleen. I hung up the only pictures I have of you and me toghether, from our shopping trip last year, and I see them everyday and I STILL can't believe you're gone. I'll remember you always.

Expectations

I think I hold too high of expectations in all aspects of my life. It seems to be I am constantly being disappointed with they way things happen. For example, last night I went to Tressa's for some crafting, and I was looking forward to it; thought it would be a lot of fun, and it was just ok. Of course, after I was only there for a few minutes I was disappointed and just kept thinking about how disappointed I was which continue to ruin my eveing so I know that was my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't ever be happy with what I've got and I just continue to let myself be disappointed. I just want the things that I do to be fun and I start getting excited about them and thinking about them in my head and I start picturing what it will be like and I think it's going to be great and we'll have some laughs, we'll have fun and it will be a great memory, but things keep falling short and I dont' know if I just have an aweful personality, or if it's me or what, but I just wish you were here to talk to about it. Once we were hanging out I was never disappointed with how it went. It was always exactly what I needed. You were an awesome friend and perfect for me. And my life just got way harder since you left. I know that's so selfish to say but it's true. I just dont' handle things well at all anymore. I need you here to talk to about them, you helped me work it all out, or helped me realize 'yes I really am being stupid' or whatever my problem was. And then I always end up thinking about you and how much I miss you and you're all I want to talk about, but I can't talk to anyone about it. That's what makes this all harder is I can't talk to anyone about you and how much I miss you. It just gets really weird and everyone gets really quite and they don't say anything, so then I'm just left feeling stupid and even more alone.

I just still can't believe you're gone. I'll sit there and relive the viewing, and the day I found out and everything and I still don't believe it. I need you. You know what sometimes even makes me feel more sad about this, is I don't know what life will be like once I leave this phase of it. I don't know how quickly I will get to see you, how often, or if it will even matter. I know families will be together forever, but I don't know about friends. I don't know if we won't have anything to talk about because it will be so different; like all of our shows, and movies, and complianing and venting, and all the stupid stuff that we talked about will even matter or be remembered.

I even tried talking to my mother alittle bit there other night in the car coming back from zoo lights, about some of my issues, and she just told me what I need to do, or what I should do, or that I'm over reacting and stuff like that. I just wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand my feelings and how frustrated I am but instead I pretty much got a,"grow up and deal with it and this is how." She just made me feel worse and miss you so much. You could say those same things but in a much nicer way.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it was hard not to question it at first, but it's become a lot harder, and of course that makes me more upset that I'm starting to think a lot more often, "Why did she have to go now? I need her and I just want her back."

They are One

After writing last night I started to think about why I haven't written lately, and I've had this thought sparadically before; the reason I don't think I'm writing because a lot of what I want to tell you is just things I'm dealing with in my life, things that may not even involve you besides the fact that I want to talk to you about it. I was feeling bad that they weren't all about you; they way I feel about you being, things that reminded me of you, things that we would usually talk about. I wanted this blog to be about YOU, just you. But through that I wanted it to be things that I would usually tell you. And the more I think about it, we always talked about how something or someone made us feel. So I think I am going to be writing more, becuase the more I think about it, I think you and I were like open Journals to each other. Instead of writing down what we were feeling we said it to each other, at leasts that's how I was with you. And some things we may have actually been written down, but I think (at least I hope) you get what I mean. I didn't want this to end up being like my blog about my life and the secret feelings I have, but in one way it kinda is going to be that, and I say this with an awful feeling of not wanting to do it for that reason, but I did tell you a lot of my secret feelings, and I was so greatful you were here for that. And I hate to say it but I need to tell my secret feelings to someone, but I can only trust you. So I will have to just do it through this blog. I want to keep MY blog about me and my feelings separate from your blog about my feelings for you and things that remind me of you and things I would normally tell you, but I ultimately can't because if you were here, I would tell you everything that I'm going to say on this blog. I can't separate them because they are one.