I think I hold too high of expectations in all aspects of my life. It seems to be I am constantly being disappointed with they way things happen. For example, last night I went to Tressa's for some crafting, and I was looking forward to it; thought it would be a lot of fun, and it was just ok. Of course, after I was only there for a few minutes I was disappointed and just kept thinking about how disappointed I was which continue to ruin my eveing so I know that was my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't ever be happy with what I've got and I just continue to let myself be disappointed. I just want the things that I do to be fun and I start getting excited about them and thinking about them in my head and I start picturing what it will be like and I think it's going to be great and we'll have some laughs, we'll have fun and it will be a great memory, but things keep falling short and I dont' know if I just have an aweful personality, or if it's me or what, but I just wish you were here to talk to about it. Once we were hanging out I was never disappointed with how it went. It was always exactly what I needed. You were an awesome friend and perfect for me. And my life just got way harder since you left. I know that's so selfish to say but it's true. I just dont' handle things well at all anymore. I need you here to talk to about them, you helped me work it all out, or helped me realize 'yes I really am being stupid' or whatever my problem was. And then I always end up thinking about you and how much I miss you and you're all I want to talk about, but I can't talk to anyone about it. That's what makes this all harder is I can't talk to anyone about you and how much I miss you. It just gets really weird and everyone gets really quite and they don't say anything, so then I'm just left feeling stupid and even more alone.
I just still can't believe you're gone. I'll sit there and relive the viewing, and the day I found out and everything and I still don't believe it. I need you. You know what sometimes even makes me feel more sad about this, is I don't know what life will be like once I leave this phase of it. I don't know how quickly I will get to see you, how often, or if it will even matter. I know families will be together forever, but I don't know about friends. I don't know if we won't have anything to talk about because it will be so different; like all of our shows, and movies, and complianing and venting, and all the stupid stuff that we talked about will even matter or be remembered.
I even tried talking to my mother alittle bit there other night in the car coming back from zoo lights, about some of my issues, and she just told me what I need to do, or what I should do, or that I'm over reacting and stuff like that. I just wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand my feelings and how frustrated I am but instead I pretty much got a,"grow up and deal with it and this is how." She just made me feel worse and miss you so much. You could say those same things but in a much nicer way.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it was hard not to question it at first, but it's become a lot harder, and of course that makes me more upset that I'm starting to think a lot more often, "Why did she have to go now? I need her and I just want her back."
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
They are One
After writing last night I started to think about why I haven't written lately, and I've had this thought sparadically before; the reason I don't think I'm writing because a lot of what I want to tell you is just things I'm dealing with in my life, things that may not even involve you besides the fact that I want to talk to you about it. I was feeling bad that they weren't all about you; they way I feel about you being, things that reminded me of you, things that we would usually talk about. I wanted this blog to be about YOU, just you. But through that I wanted it to be things that I would usually tell you. And the more I think about it, we always talked about how something or someone made us feel. So I think I am going to be writing more, becuase the more I think about it, I think you and I were like open Journals to each other. Instead of writing down what we were feeling we said it to each other, at leasts that's how I was with you. And some things we may have actually been written down, but I think (at least I hope) you get what I mean. I didn't want this to end up being like my blog about my life and the secret feelings I have, but in one way it kinda is going to be that, and I say this with an awful feeling of not wanting to do it for that reason, but I did tell you a lot of my secret feelings, and I was so greatful you were here for that. And I hate to say it but I need to tell my secret feelings to someone, but I can only trust you. So I will have to just do it through this blog. I want to keep MY blog about me and my feelings separate from your blog about my feelings for you and things that remind me of you and things I would normally tell you, but I ultimately can't because if you were here, I would tell you everything that I'm going to say on this blog. I can't separate them because they are one.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Just too strange
I know I haven't said anything for a while. I feel stupid and redundant saying it, but I still can't believe you're not here anymore. I miss you like crazy all the time. Almost every day it seems like I think of something I want to write on here, but I don't end up doing it for this reason or for that. You know me better than anyone else, sometimes I think even better than my husband, if not then very close to it. I told you things I never told him, I never told anyone in my family, and I never even told Melissa. It sucks that I only knew you for such a short time, but I love that I became that close to you. I trust you like I trust nobody else. I feel selfish for the reasons I miss you, only because I miss how you were there for me, I miss being able to tell you everything and know that no matter what you weren't going to judge me and think too differently of me. I miss venting to you, I even miss you venting to me. I just miss you.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday: Viewing
I waited as long as I possibly could to get ready for it. I tried not to think about it because when I did, I got huge nautious terridactles in my stomach. I had no idea what to expect, what I might feel, or what I might see. Even now as I'm writing this, I'm trying to decide how much detail I really want to remember. I KNOW you're still alive Kathleen. Your body might be empty right now, but your spirit may be more alive now then it ever was; and your body and spirit will be reunited once again, in an even more perfect state then they were before. Since I know this to be true, I don't know if I really want to remember the things I saw and experienced on Friday.
Well, I'll start with the small things. I wanted to get both you and your mother flowers, but because I had never done this before, I had both the girls and no Mom to help watch them, and I was trying to avoid getting ready for it, I found out I waited a little too long to figure out the flower thing. I was able to get both you and your mother a rose; hers was red and yours was pink. I thought I would support our local flower shop (that and I was waiting for my Dad to get home from practice at 3:40 and I knew if we made a stop in town we would be cutting it too close). So around 2:30 I went with the girls to get the mail and to get the roses. I knew I was supposed to get white, but they didn't have any, at least not out. And I said I wanted them wrapped because I thought that was just a piece of tissue paper and a little ribbon. Turns out it also includes a nice plastic, and greenery and leaves (or something like that) it took 1/2hr. I was getting so worried. I still had to get dressed, and make sure I had everything ready for the girls. (I know procrastination).
To make matters even more difficult, there was an accident earlier that day on I-5 northbound, right in Centralia and it closed the freeway until two. Dad got home later then he had said, so I was already starting to worry, but we were also supposed to drop the girls off at Erica's and pick up Tressa, well that didn't happen. Right before exit 76 traffic got bad. So we decided to get off the freeway, but town traffic was almost just as bad. So I called Tressa and told her to meet us there. It's almost 4:20 and the viewing was supposed to end at 5.
We finally made it there around 4:35 or so I think. Both Tressa and Dad grabbed one of my girls and then Tressa grabbed my hand. I was so nervous and scared and I started crying. I was SOO glad she was there. I remember everything so vividly, as if I can see it on a t.v. or something. I went and sat in the back because I was still a little unsure about seeing your body. Your Mom saw me come in and I gave her a hug and she told me I was your best friend and that you loved me very much. I said the same thing to her because it's true. I met your cousin Gloria, she's very nice. Your Mom and Gloria both took me by the hand and said they would walk up with me. I started to but as soon as I could see your face all the way I stopped and said I couldn't do it. I didn't want to remember you like that. And things get stuck in my head so easily, I didn't want that sad image of you in there. I want to remember as being happy, smiling, and laughing. So I asked Gloria to give you the rose I had gotten you. She placed it on your chest, the only one that wasn't on the casket. So I just sat back down with your Mom and she held my hand. We talked about how she was doing, about you, and about your celebration of life. She went to go see some other people and my Mom showed up.
Finally Tressa told me she would take me up there and I could just close my eyes. She said she had been preparing for this all week and she could do it. So that's what I did. I really hope you were there and you heard it. I really hope we are friends in the next section of our lives. I don't really understand what that next part is going to be like and how that is going to work, but I hope we find each other shortly after my arrival and we can be friends quite literally forever.
Well, I'll start with the small things. I wanted to get both you and your mother flowers, but because I had never done this before, I had both the girls and no Mom to help watch them, and I was trying to avoid getting ready for it, I found out I waited a little too long to figure out the flower thing. I was able to get both you and your mother a rose; hers was red and yours was pink. I thought I would support our local flower shop (that and I was waiting for my Dad to get home from practice at 3:40 and I knew if we made a stop in town we would be cutting it too close). So around 2:30 I went with the girls to get the mail and to get the roses. I knew I was supposed to get white, but they didn't have any, at least not out. And I said I wanted them wrapped because I thought that was just a piece of tissue paper and a little ribbon. Turns out it also includes a nice plastic, and greenery and leaves (or something like that) it took 1/2hr. I was getting so worried. I still had to get dressed, and make sure I had everything ready for the girls. (I know procrastination).
To make matters even more difficult, there was an accident earlier that day on I-5 northbound, right in Centralia and it closed the freeway until two. Dad got home later then he had said, so I was already starting to worry, but we were also supposed to drop the girls off at Erica's and pick up Tressa, well that didn't happen. Right before exit 76 traffic got bad. So we decided to get off the freeway, but town traffic was almost just as bad. So I called Tressa and told her to meet us there. It's almost 4:20 and the viewing was supposed to end at 5.
We finally made it there around 4:35 or so I think. Both Tressa and Dad grabbed one of my girls and then Tressa grabbed my hand. I was so nervous and scared and I started crying. I was SOO glad she was there. I remember everything so vividly, as if I can see it on a t.v. or something. I went and sat in the back because I was still a little unsure about seeing your body. Your Mom saw me come in and I gave her a hug and she told me I was your best friend and that you loved me very much. I said the same thing to her because it's true. I met your cousin Gloria, she's very nice. Your Mom and Gloria both took me by the hand and said they would walk up with me. I started to but as soon as I could see your face all the way I stopped and said I couldn't do it. I didn't want to remember you like that. And things get stuck in my head so easily, I didn't want that sad image of you in there. I want to remember as being happy, smiling, and laughing. So I asked Gloria to give you the rose I had gotten you. She placed it on your chest, the only one that wasn't on the casket. So I just sat back down with your Mom and she held my hand. We talked about how she was doing, about you, and about your celebration of life. She went to go see some other people and my Mom showed up.
Finally Tressa told me she would take me up there and I could just close my eyes. She said she had been preparing for this all week and she could do it. So that's what I did. I really hope you were there and you heard it. I really hope we are friends in the next section of our lives. I don't really understand what that next part is going to be like and how that is going to work, but I hope we find each other shortly after my arrival and we can be friends quite literally forever.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
What a Coinsidence!
Don't worry I will talk about Friday, I just haven't quite figured out how I even feel about it yet. So really quickly, just something that I find just a teeny, tiny but funny, today Gill passed away. And now why do I think it is just a little bit funny? Well, because you ALWAYS thought he was dead, and you always asked me if he was dead. Everyone else did it too, but you were at my house the most and it seems as though you said it every time. And almost within the same week that you pass away, so does Gill. Maybe he loved you so much, he wanted to go with you too. I'm sorry, I know I probably shouldn't find that funny, and I don't really think it is, it just made me chuckle a teen tiny bit, and I don't know maybe I just find it really ironic.
And of course I'm starting to experience things that I would have texted you about. For example, tonight, and actually RIGHT NOW, Spencer wanted me to stay the night with him at this place, and I really don't like being alone at night at this point in time, so I'm at his place. But he had to go to weight lifting with the cross country team. He dropped me off before, so I was hoping his roommates would be here, so it wouldn't be quite so awkward. But nope, none of them were here. Cameron just got home a couple of minutes ago, but I'm in Spencer's room with the door almost shut all the way, so I don't think he realized. And I sat here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to do. I even went out of the room once but didn't see anyone right away so went back inside. I finally decided to go out to the kitchen (where I heard he was at) and let him know that I was here. Even though he knows I'm here, it's still really awkward, at least for me. I wish I could text you about it. I miss you.
And of course I'm starting to experience things that I would have texted you about. For example, tonight, and actually RIGHT NOW, Spencer wanted me to stay the night with him at this place, and I really don't like being alone at night at this point in time, so I'm at his place. But he had to go to weight lifting with the cross country team. He dropped me off before, so I was hoping his roommates would be here, so it wouldn't be quite so awkward. But nope, none of them were here. Cameron just got home a couple of minutes ago, but I'm in Spencer's room with the door almost shut all the way, so I don't think he realized. And I sat here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to do. I even went out of the room once but didn't see anyone right away so went back inside. I finally decided to go out to the kitchen (where I heard he was at) and let him know that I was here. Even though he knows I'm here, it's still really awkward, at least for me. I wish I could text you about it. I miss you.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Today
Today is your viewing. I'm really nervous about it. I want to say goodbye but I also don't want to be left with a horrifying image of you. My Dad and sister Tressa are going to come. Spencer has to race in Bellingham tomorrow and his team leaves at 3:30 and have a mandatory meeting before hand. I talked to Brittany a little bit on facebook today. Trying to get all the information for today. She's not going to be able to make it because she can't get out of work, but she also said that she doesn't want to remember you like that, and she doesn't think you would want that either. I feel so bad for all the things I can't remember that were said between us. I can't remember if we ever talked about viewings and going and how we would feel about them or not. My Mom asked me some questions about your heart, and I KNOW we talked about it, but I can't quite remember some of the things you said, or what we talked about. Specifically, my Mom asked if you knew something like this could happen. I couldn't remember. I know when I heard it was a heart attack, it didn't necissarily suprise me, but I couldn't remember if you had said anything about it before hand. I hope I know the right words to say to you and to your Mom. I hope you're there too. I kinda hope I can see you. I don't think I would be scared. I would treasure the last look of you in a happier state.
Other Links
Wednesday, I did finally find those two other links that you sent me and I watched them. And here are my thoughts.
First the Draco video: That was totally funny how he said, "Rolling on the floor?....... SHE????" I love his accent. I actually love most accents. Thank you for sharing that, and I'm super sorry I didn't look at it before. It's probably something that frustrated you, how it usually took me a while to respond to things. I know, I'm awful at it, and I feel even worse, because this all makes me want to do better at it, and I think for the most part I have. All the regrets I have with our friendship(and they are ONLY my faults and the fact that I wasn't a better friend) and the fact that I lost you so quickly is probably going to make me want to make sure that doens't happen agian. I'm sorry that (trying to find the right words to say) I couldn't just be a better friend to you, and I'm really starting to change that only after/because you're gone. That's unfair to you. You're my best friend and you should have been treated better by me. And I hate that I keep thinking about ME and ME not having friends any more. You know the things I struggled with. I mean look at us, how long did it take for me to really open up to you, put my guard down, and actually want to be friends? But that's so selfish of me. I just lost you, I shouldn't be so caught up in my and my friend problem. I feel bad, because all I keep doing is apologizing to you. But I feel like that's all I can do.
First the Draco video: That was totally funny how he said, "Rolling on the floor?....... SHE????" I love his accent. I actually love most accents. Thank you for sharing that, and I'm super sorry I didn't look at it before. It's probably something that frustrated you, how it usually took me a while to respond to things. I know, I'm awful at it, and I feel even worse, because this all makes me want to do better at it, and I think for the most part I have. All the regrets I have with our friendship(and they are ONLY my faults and the fact that I wasn't a better friend) and the fact that I lost you so quickly is probably going to make me want to make sure that doens't happen agian. I'm sorry that (trying to find the right words to say) I couldn't just be a better friend to you, and I'm really starting to change that only after/because you're gone. That's unfair to you. You're my best friend and you should have been treated better by me. And I hate that I keep thinking about ME and ME not having friends any more. You know the things I struggled with. I mean look at us, how long did it take for me to really open up to you, put my guard down, and actually want to be friends? But that's so selfish of me. I just lost you, I shouldn't be so caught up in my and my friend problem. I feel bad, because all I keep doing is apologizing to you. But I feel like that's all I can do.
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