Expectations

I think I hold too high of expectations in all aspects of my life. It seems to be I am constantly being disappointed with they way things happen. For example, last night I went to Tressa's for some crafting, and I was looking forward to it; thought it would be a lot of fun, and it was just ok. Of course, after I was only there for a few minutes I was disappointed and just kept thinking about how disappointed I was which continue to ruin my eveing so I know that was my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't ever be happy with what I've got and I just continue to let myself be disappointed. I just want the things that I do to be fun and I start getting excited about them and thinking about them in my head and I start picturing what it will be like and I think it's going to be great and we'll have some laughs, we'll have fun and it will be a great memory, but things keep falling short and I dont' know if I just have an aweful personality, or if it's me or what, but I just wish you were here to talk to about it. Once we were hanging out I was never disappointed with how it went. It was always exactly what I needed. You were an awesome friend and perfect for me. And my life just got way harder since you left. I know that's so selfish to say but it's true. I just dont' handle things well at all anymore. I need you here to talk to about them, you helped me work it all out, or helped me realize 'yes I really am being stupid' or whatever my problem was. And then I always end up thinking about you and how much I miss you and you're all I want to talk about, but I can't talk to anyone about it. That's what makes this all harder is I can't talk to anyone about you and how much I miss you. It just gets really weird and everyone gets really quite and they don't say anything, so then I'm just left feeling stupid and even more alone.

I just still can't believe you're gone. I'll sit there and relive the viewing, and the day I found out and everything and I still don't believe it. I need you. You know what sometimes even makes me feel more sad about this, is I don't know what life will be like once I leave this phase of it. I don't know how quickly I will get to see you, how often, or if it will even matter. I know families will be together forever, but I don't know about friends. I don't know if we won't have anything to talk about because it will be so different; like all of our shows, and movies, and complianing and venting, and all the stupid stuff that we talked about will even matter or be remembered.

I even tried talking to my mother alittle bit there other night in the car coming back from zoo lights, about some of my issues, and she just told me what I need to do, or what I should do, or that I'm over reacting and stuff like that. I just wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand my feelings and how frustrated I am but instead I pretty much got a,"grow up and deal with it and this is how." She just made me feel worse and miss you so much. You could say those same things but in a much nicer way.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it was hard not to question it at first, but it's become a lot harder, and of course that makes me more upset that I'm starting to think a lot more often, "Why did she have to go now? I need her and I just want her back."

They are One

After writing last night I started to think about why I haven't written lately, and I've had this thought sparadically before; the reason I don't think I'm writing because a lot of what I want to tell you is just things I'm dealing with in my life, things that may not even involve you besides the fact that I want to talk to you about it. I was feeling bad that they weren't all about you; they way I feel about you being, things that reminded me of you, things that we would usually talk about. I wanted this blog to be about YOU, just you. But through that I wanted it to be things that I would usually tell you. And the more I think about it, we always talked about how something or someone made us feel. So I think I am going to be writing more, becuase the more I think about it, I think you and I were like open Journals to each other. Instead of writing down what we were feeling we said it to each other, at leasts that's how I was with you. And some things we may have actually been written down, but I think (at least I hope) you get what I mean. I didn't want this to end up being like my blog about my life and the secret feelings I have, but in one way it kinda is going to be that, and I say this with an awful feeling of not wanting to do it for that reason, but I did tell you a lot of my secret feelings, and I was so greatful you were here for that. And I hate to say it but I need to tell my secret feelings to someone, but I can only trust you. So I will have to just do it through this blog. I want to keep MY blog about me and my feelings separate from your blog about my feelings for you and things that remind me of you and things I would normally tell you, but I ultimately can't because if you were here, I would tell you everything that I'm going to say on this blog. I can't separate them because they are one.

Just too strange

I know I haven't said anything for a while. I feel stupid and redundant saying it, but I still can't believe you're not here anymore. I miss you like crazy all the time. Almost every day it seems like I think of something I want to write on here, but I don't end up doing it for this reason or for that. You know me better than anyone else, sometimes I think even better than my husband, if not then very close to it. I told you things I never told him, I never told anyone in my family, and I never even told Melissa. It sucks that I only knew you for such a short time, but I love that I became that close to you. I trust you like I trust nobody else. I feel selfish for the reasons I miss you, only because I miss how you were there for me, I miss being able to tell you everything and know that no matter what you weren't going to judge me and think too differently of me. I miss venting to you, I even miss you venting to me. I just miss you.

Friday: Viewing

I waited as long as I possibly could to get ready for it. I tried not to think about it because when I did, I got huge nautious terridactles in my stomach. I had no idea what to expect, what I might feel, or what I might see. Even now as I'm writing this, I'm trying to decide how much detail I really want to remember. I KNOW you're still alive Kathleen. Your body might be empty right now, but your spirit may be more alive now then it ever was; and your body and spirit will be reunited once again, in an even more perfect state then they were before. Since I know this to be true, I don't know if I really want to remember the things I saw and experienced on Friday.

Well, I'll start with the small things. I wanted to get both you and your mother flowers, but because I had never done this before, I had both the girls and no Mom to help watch them, and I was trying to avoid getting ready for it, I found out I waited a little too long to figure out the flower thing. I was able to get both you and your mother a rose; hers was red and yours was pink. I thought I would support our local flower shop (that and I was waiting for my Dad to get home from practice at 3:40 and I knew if we made a stop in town we would be cutting it too close). So around 2:30 I went with the girls to get the mail and to get the roses. I knew I was supposed to get white, but they didn't have any, at least not out. And I said I wanted them wrapped because I thought that was just a piece of tissue paper and a little ribbon. Turns out it also includes a nice plastic, and greenery and leaves (or something like that) it took 1/2hr. I was getting so worried. I still had to get dressed, and make sure I had everything ready for the girls. (I know procrastination).

To make matters even  more difficult, there was an accident earlier that day on I-5 northbound, right in Centralia and it closed the freeway until two. Dad got home later then he had said, so I was already starting to worry, but we were also supposed to drop the girls off at Erica's and pick up Tressa, well that didn't happen. Right before exit 76 traffic got bad. So we decided to get off the freeway, but town traffic was almost just as bad. So I called Tressa and told her to meet us there. It's almost 4:20 and the viewing was supposed to end at 5.

 We finally made it there around 4:35 or so I think. Both Tressa and Dad grabbed one of my girls and then Tressa grabbed my hand. I was so nervous and scared and I started crying. I was SOO glad she was there. I remember everything so vividly, as if I can see it on a t.v. or something. I went and sat in the back because I was still a little unsure about seeing your body. Your Mom saw me come in and I gave her a hug and she told me I was your best friend and that you loved me very much. I said the same thing to her because it's true. I met your cousin Gloria, she's very nice. Your Mom and Gloria both took me by the hand and said they would walk up with me. I started to but as soon as I could see your face all the way I stopped and said I couldn't do it. I didn't want to remember you like that. And things get stuck in my head so easily, I didn't want that sad image of you in there. I want to remember as being happy, smiling, and laughing. So I asked Gloria to give you the rose I had gotten you. She placed it on your chest, the only one that wasn't on the casket.  So I just sat back down with your Mom and she held my hand. We talked about how she was doing, about you, and about your celebration of life. She went to go see some other people and my Mom showed up.

Finally Tressa told me she would take me up there and I could just close my eyes. She said she had been preparing for this all week and she could do it. So that's what I did. I really hope you were there and you heard it. I really hope we are friends in the next section of our lives. I don't really understand what that next part is going to be like and how that is going to work, but I hope we find each other shortly after my arrival and we can be friends quite literally forever.

What a Coinsidence!

Don't worry I will talk about Friday, I just haven't quite figured out how I even feel about it yet. So really quickly, just something that I find just a teeny, tiny but funny, today Gill passed away. And now why do I think it is just a little bit funny? Well, because you ALWAYS thought he was dead, and you always asked me if he was dead. Everyone else did it too, but you were at my house the most and it seems as though you said it every time. And almost within the same week that you pass away, so does Gill. Maybe he loved you so much, he wanted to go with you too. I'm sorry, I know I probably shouldn't find that funny, and I don't really think it is, it just made me chuckle a teen tiny bit, and I don't know maybe I just find it really ironic.

And of course I'm starting to experience things that I would have texted you about. For example, tonight, and actually RIGHT NOW, Spencer wanted me to stay the night with him at this place, and I really don't like being alone at night at this point in time, so I'm at his place. But he had to go to weight lifting with the cross country team. He dropped me off before, so I was hoping his roommates would be here, so it wouldn't be quite so awkward. But nope, none of them were here. Cameron just got home a couple of minutes ago, but I'm in Spencer's room with the door almost shut all the way, so I don't think he realized. And I sat here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to do. I even went out of the room once but didn't see anyone right away so went back inside. I finally decided to go out to the kitchen (where I heard he was at) and let him know that I was here. Even though he knows I'm here, it's still really awkward, at least for me. I wish I could text you about it. I miss you.

Today

Today is your viewing. I'm really nervous about it. I want to say goodbye but I also don't want to be left with a horrifying image of you. My Dad and sister Tressa are going to come. Spencer has to race in Bellingham tomorrow and his team leaves at 3:30 and have a mandatory meeting before hand. I talked to Brittany a little bit on facebook today. Trying to get all the information for today. She's not going to be able to make it because she can't get out of work, but she also said that she doesn't want to remember you like that, and she doesn't think you would want that either. I feel so bad for all the things I can't remember that were said between us. I can't remember if we ever talked about viewings and going and how we would feel about them or not. My Mom asked me some questions about your heart, and I KNOW we talked about it, but I can't quite remember some of the things you said, or what we talked about. Specifically, my Mom asked if you knew something like this could happen. I couldn't remember. I know when I heard it was a heart attack, it didn't necissarily suprise me, but I couldn't remember if you had said anything about it before hand. I hope I know the right words to say to you and to your Mom. I hope you're there too. I kinda hope I can see you. I don't think I would be scared. I would treasure the last look of you in a happier state.

Other Links

Wednesday, I did finally find those two other links that you sent me and I watched them. And here are my thoughts.

First the Draco video: That was totally funny how he said, "Rolling on the floor?....... SHE????" I love his accent. I actually love most accents. Thank you for sharing that, and I'm super sorry I didn't look at it before. It's probably something that frustrated you, how it usually took me a while to respond to things. I know, I'm awful at it, and I feel even worse, because this all makes me want to do better at it, and I think for the most part I have. All the regrets I have with our friendship(and they are ONLY my faults and the fact that I wasn't a better friend) and the fact that I lost you so quickly is probably going to make me want to make sure that doens't happen agian. I'm sorry that (trying to find the right words to say) I couldn't just be a better friend to you, and I'm really starting to change that only after/because you're gone. That's unfair to you. You're my best friend and you should have been treated better by me. And I hate that I keep thinking about ME and ME not having friends any more. You know the things I struggled with. I mean look at us, how long did it take for me to really open up to you, put my guard down, and actually want to be friends? But that's so selfish of me. I just lost you, I shouldn't be so caught up in my and my friend problem. I feel bad, because all I keep doing is apologizing to you. But I feel like that's all I can do.

You are Loved

So your cousin (who at first I thought was your aunt) asked me to "help spread the word"; her words not mine. So I sent out an e-mail with the information about your services to a few people I had on my facebook who knew you. I told them they didn't need to reply to me, I just wanted to let them know. Well one of the people was Bowen, and this is what he sent me,

"i am so sorry but i will not be able to make it but it is only out of geographic disposition. i want to say it was always a pleasure to run into kathleen and i am very grateful for the evenshort amount of time i knew her. my thoughts and condolences are with her family. and thank you for the info melia and i am sorry i cant make it"

I figured that would make you  happy. I know it did me. You are loved and missed by many. I just wanted you to know that.

Voice of the People: A Familiar Voice

So Wendesday I was looking in the paper, (sorry I was actually looking to see if there was anything in there about you) and on the opposite page was the Voice of the People, and who should be one of those people quoted? Sean from acting class. So I more than instantly thought of you. The question was asking about this bad economy and having to change your career choice. He said the economy had effected him because he's been out of work for a year, but he wouldn't change his career choice, he loves theater and that's what he wants to do.

Thor

So, after I found out I asked my Mom to run to WalMart and buy Thor so I could watch it for you. When we got home Spencer and I watched it. And I wish two things; One that I just would have watched it before hand so I could talk to you about it, and Two that I just would have let you talk to me about it anyhow. And the later one is for two reasons again; One because I cannot remember why you like the villian and I wish I did, I want to know your thoughts, but now I don't get to. I know we'll see each other again, but I don't think this movie will matter anymore, but maybe it will. and Two it was a lot like the series we started, so I knew most of everything that was going to happen. And you know in the last few episodes of that series, The Avengers deal with Loki trying to take over, and he mentioned that he got exiled on purpose, so I wonder if that's what the Avengers are going to deal with too, because of the very last scene in Thor with Loki and the unlimited power. Sorry hopefully I didn't spoil it for you.

Links

So I just watched the link you sent me about the fan made video about Harry Potter. It was really good. I'm sorry I didn't watch it before now. I am so sorry. And I'm also sorry, I didn't even get the message about Mary. If I had I would have replied, but yes that is the Mary from acting class. I then went and looked on your friends list and she wasn't there. I'm so sorry I stopped you two from being reunited before you left. That video must have taken a long time to make to find the right pictures, and match them up with the words. It was very mooving too. Although that might be in part to how I'm feeling right now because of you. So after it was over it said the next video was of Daniel Radcliff learning how to speak American English, so I watched it, and it was pretty funny. They also had Emma Watson, Ron and Draco there, and they would give them some "American" phrases that they were supposed to say. I really wish I could show you. The last one was "Twilight blows" Emma said something about it being a conspiracy and was laughing. I'm trying to find the other links you sent me and watch those too.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I wasn't a better best friend. I should have talked to you more. I knew you felt lonely but I was so stuck in my own depression, I wasn't being the friend I was supposed to be, the friend I should have been, the friend I wanted to be, but just couldn't figure out how to do it. I'm so sorry Kathleen, I just kept apologizing to you for being that way, but I never changed. I'm sorry I didn't reply to your emails/posts with links on them. I didn't even watch them. I wanted to put just kept putting it off, I don't know why. I'm so sorry!! I hope you can forgive me. I'm trying so hard not to cry. I'm sorry I didn't help you move. I should have, I really did think that I would have just made it worse with the girls, but at least I would have been able to see you. It is quite interesting but that's not the word I'm looking for, ironic, that's the word, that Total Eclipse of the Heart, reminded me of you because of our Karoke night at your house, and so I wanted to listen to it because it reminded me of you, but a lot of the words, really do go along with how I'm feeling, so it fits in that sense too. I hope that made some kind of sense. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. You are my very best friend. I love you.

Not Getting Easier

Although, really it's only been two days since I found out, I didn't expect it to, but still. I miss you so much! You know every now and then I think, "We didn't talk or see each other all the time, so hopefully it won't be that hard." But it is. Especially since RIGHT NOW is the time that I would be talking to you. You just started school, and you just moved so we would be talking about. I would be listening to all your frustrations (not complaining at all. I miss your vents.) and roommate problems, your fears about college, how job is going. And now I'm just trying to survive listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart all the time, and trying not to cry. I'm worried after I go to the viewing and your Celebration of Life, it will only get worse, because then I will have to admit you're not here anymore.

Justice League

I'm sitting here watching Justice League because it reminds me of you. I'm watching the episode where Darkside asks the Justice League for help, something about High Father, Orien, Apacaplyps(sp?), and Geneside, and everytime I watch this episode, I get confused about whose who and what exactly they're talking about. It's something I would have asked you about and I'm sure you would have known the answer. I guess this time I will have to ask my Dad. But I just watched Thor for you last night, so High Father, reminds me of that. I wonder if they're supposed to be like that.

Seperated

Yesterday I got a phone call from my mother-in-law asking how I was doing. I was confused so I answered in a confused voice, "Fine." She asked me if one of my friends past away. I said not that I knew of why. She said nevermind maybe it was just a rumor. I told I wanted to know what she was talking about, so after a short battle back and forth, she told me she recieved a text from Austin saying, "Melia's best friend died." I immediately called Austin, and he said he saw something on facebook. So I went to facebook and there it was on your page. Your aunt said you passed away Saturday!! :,( I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Even now, everytime I hear the phone ring I keep hoping it's going to be your voice, saying, "Psych!" I would be so relieved I don't even know if I could be mad. But nope. The last phone call was from your Mom telling me some details about the funeral.

I'm starting this blog for you and for me. For me because I think it will help to get my feelings out, and for you because I know there's things that I'm going to want to talk to you about, and I don't know if there are computers in heaven or if you even know I'm writing this stuff, but if you can then you will still know that I love you, I miss you, I care about you, I will NEVER forget you, and I'm looking forward to see you again. I don't know if I should be emailing your inbox anymore, so that's why I'm doing it here. I know you're going to laugh at this, but it's like in New Moon after the Cullen's leave and Belle e-mails Alice even though it always come back saying that e-mail doesn't exsist anymore. It really does help to think that I can still talk to you. Whenever I write stuff on here, I'm sure I'll always being hearing your voice in my head about what you would probably really say.  And that's how I want it to be. I don't want to ever forget you!!! You mean so much to me. I'm so greatful I found you! You were the best friend I ever had. You are an amazing person. I keep listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart. And you know, alot of the words pertain to how I'm feeling. On a best friend base level. Not a romantic level.

I just can't believe you're gone. My mind just cannot wrap around that idea. I'm sure it will hit me alot harder at the furneral.

I really hope you are happier there. Learning about the truth of the gospel and knowing we and you and your family will be together again someday. And I don't know, but I'm guessing you're pretty busy up there, since you just arrived and learning about lots of things. So hopefully the time will pass quickly. I don't know much of what it's like in heaven, but I really hope you're with your cat again. Someone to keep you company. I don't know if you know a lot of people you have passed on, but I guess your grandparents did. I just don't want you to be lonely up there.

I think you would laught at how Isabell talks about you now. This morning I started crying agian and Isabell was on the couch and Ellie in the high chair in the living room. Isabell looks over to me at the table and says, "Is that a happy girl? No, that's not a happy girl is it Ellie? That's a sad girl. Mama, why are you said agian?"
I said to her, "I'm sad because I miss Kathleen."
Isabell, "You miss Kathleen. She's in heaven now right?"
Of course almost that whole time she's just talking in a happy/slightly fake voice. She's just so matter-of-the-fact when she talks about it.

I love you and I hope you know that.