...

Guess what? I'm pregnant. You were one of the first people I told last time and I wanted it to be the same this time. I really miss you. If it's a girl I really want to name her Scarlett Kathleen. Spencer doesn't really like Scarlett but no matter what if it's a girl I want her middle name to be Kathleen. I think Scarlett fits pretty well; i think they sound good together and because Scarlett Johnason played black widow  in a super hero movie and I really miss having you here to talk about Super hero stuff and everything. Kathleen, you were my very best friend. Meaning you were my best best friend. I'll never tell Melissa that but it's true. I love you -Melia

State Wrestling

Today was the first year since I've worked for NSP that I did not work at State Wrestling. It's not weird unless I really think about it. Yes, it is really annoying having to explain a million and one times that "There are two kids in the photo. The other wrestler may have boughten them." And yes, it is even more annoying to tell people, "Or it could be in the wrong folder." Then they check the weight above and below, and still no pictures. "Well, it could really be in any box." But at the same time I enjoy working with my Dad, and my sister. And I enjoy the bustle and commotion, at least for a little while. And it's something I've done every year. Instead I worked a hockey tournament up in Lynwood which was off of Exit 179. You would have gone into hysterics I'm sure with how far away it was. The hockey tournament, was just your normal side tournament. Pictures were just ok. Almost a constand stream of a couple people coming to look at the pictures and not buying or if they did they bought only one sheet. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, at this tournament I didn't have anyone come up after a game and ask if those pictures were there already. There were a lot of Canadians which was interesting. A good interesting. For a while it really made me not like the American way, or at least what it seemed like we are becoming. Also, I'm sick, I think I have a sinus infection, so because of that it was really nice to not have to yell to talk to costumers, and for the most part it was really easy to hear my costumers (besides the thick accents).

But I think what was most weird was you not being apart of it. That's the other reason I'm glad I didn't go to wrestling. You've been at it the last two years, and it's been so much fun having you there. Now I know you wouldn't have been able to come anyway because you have a class on Saturday morning, but at least I would be able to text you about all the complaints I had about the costumers. Erica said she really missed having me and you there.

I don't know maybe I'm making this too dramatic. But when I think about it, I think, "It's not that I missed the State Wrestling, it's that it didn't happen yet, because I NEVER miss state wrestling. It's one of the only state jobs I can count on anymore." But it really is that I missed it. And it all just makes me think of you. I even sent you a text today. I know you won't recieve it, but still. I told you I missed you. Altough, I must admit that I'm kinda afraid I'm going to get a reply back.

I had a dream about you the other night. You were still dead, but somehow you were able to come back for a little bit. I think we were doing dishes at a very long kitchen sink, and I didn't know what to say to you so I just kept telling you how much I missed you, mostly because that's all I could think about, was how much I wished you were still here. I still think about you almost everyday. And it seems to be usually multiple times a day. As always, I still can't grasp the concept that you're gone. Or I don't know, maybe I can but I find that weird and so I think it's me not being able to grasp it. I don't get quite as sad when I think about it. I just get really lonely for my best friend. And I think about how are relationship would be right now. With you in school and living in Olympia. My parents have been gone a lot these last few weeks with distric basketball games, and so I've been home alone with the girls a lot in the evenings. Now once again, I know you wouldnt' have been able to come over, and even if you would have, you probably wouldn't have wanted to because we're all sick, but I wish that you could come over for dinner. And it makes me think back to what I think is the last time I saw you. When you came over here for dinner, because I called you because I was tired of being alone and I wanted to see you. I just regret not calling you sooner, and not seeing you just one more time.

Why Can't it Just be About Me?

I know that's really selfish. And I know this doesn't have too much to do with you, but I think it's something I would have talked to you about. I probably shouldn't even be thinking it, but why can't it be just about me, for a little bit for once. What do I mean by this? I mean it seems like whenever I'm sick, Spencer becomes sick too, or he has a ton of homework, and can't really help out, or he's not there. Or if I just really need him, like I do tonight, he's not there because he's sick or he's tired, or he has a lot of homework. You were there for me in moments like this, and I'm sorry because at the end I wasn't there for you. I can rememeber our last couple of phone conversations and you asked if I had time to talk, and I made it seem like I really didn't because I was watching kids, or I was really tired; those things were true, but that doesn't mean I didn't have time to talk. I'm so sorry I was so crappy to you at the end. Please forgive me Kathleen. Please!!! That is one of the only regrets I have about our friendship. I was so awful to you and you were the ABSOLUTE best friend anyone could have.

I just need someone, and I really want that someone to be Spencer. I just want him to be there for me. Today was an awful day, just awful. I had a really really really bad night with Spencer being gone, and with you not being here anymore. So I cried for like an hour, and didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to be alone, so I kept watching Gilmore Girls. I dying for human interaction, so I keep looking at Pinterest, Facebook and watching Gilmore Girls trying to get it. I really need my husband but he's not here. And even when he is, he as homework, or is really tired, or is thinking about running; and all I want is to talk to him, just about whatever. Show him the things I want to do on Pinterest, I just want to share all of me with him. Have him know my likes and dislikes, my dreams, my fears, my ambitions, my frustrations, and I want to talk WITH him about them. Not just tell him, but have him talk back to me about them. But for the most part those conversations are very short and onesided. Like those awkwards moments when you're trying to get the conversation started with someone you don't really know so you ask them a question and they give you a one word answer and then don't say anything. So you give them a couple paragraphs about your response to the same question if they had asked it, and this just continues.

Anyway, so I had a really bad night last night, and then a really bad day today, and almost all afternoon I was seriously thinking about driving up to Olympia to be with him tonight, just because I SO badly want to be with him, and just need to be next to him. I just kept thinking, even if I can just lie in bed next to him while he's doing homework that will make everything better just to be near him. But after talking to him on the phone I have no desire. I just want my emotional needs to be met and filled, but if I went up there, it would be about him being sick, or being tired. And yes, I would most likely want to talk to him but he wouldn't have anything to say. Like tonight I told him about my rough day, including the part about last night and then the frustrations of the kids which are really getting to me, and I ask him what he's thinking, and he says, "Oh, I hope I can make it through tomorrow." I KNOW he's sick and I KNOW he has a lot of work he has to do and I KNOW it's not easy to be away from us, but just everyonce in a while, I want ALL of his attention to be focused on me. I feel like if I could get that just everynow and then that I would be a lot better, but I've tried talking to him about it, but it never seems to work. He just says, "I just don't have much to say. I'm sorry." or "I really was listening to you and I do care about what you're saying, but I just quickly go from one thing to the next, I don't dwell." (ok that last one wasn't an exact quote but he usually says something like that.) or "Whatever I say is going to be the wrong thing and it's just going to make you mad, so I don't say anything at all."

I'm sure I'm supposed to be learning humility, and how to put others first, and put my needs last, and greater love for them and things like that and I know that Heavenly Father knows how I feel and loves me and is there for me, but I want someone physically on this earth to do the same thing to. Is that too much to ask?

If you were here...

I know this probably isn't going to help at all, but especially tonight, I just keep thinking about what we could be doing if you were still here. You probably would have been the person I called after I got a ticket. I wish I could have shown you Pinterest. I'm pretty sure you would have liked it, but maybe not. But I would definitely be making the two of us do some of the workouts I found on it. Like having a challenge between the two of us. So we would start off with all our measurements(but it would probably just be weight) and then we would do a bunch of different exercises and record how many/how fast we could do them. Then do the workouts at home by ourselves, and I don't know every month do all the exercises again and see how we are improving. I think it would have been a lot of fun and I can just imagine you complaining to me about making you do it.

There is a play at CC that I really want to go see. When I saw the article for it in the Chroicle I almost lost it though. It made me think of you, and how much I miss seeing plays with you. It was SO!!! much fun. I don't think I will be able to though because of the ticket and Spencer has his engineering banquet on Friday. If I did, I would go by myself. Something I never thought I would do, but I just can't imagine going with someone else.

You know right now I just keep replaying "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the only way I feel close to you. I REALLY wish I had some more pictures of us, and of you, and some actual video of you. Now I'm really mad that you didn't particpate much in the Whose Line games at my party because I have the video of it, and you barely in it. I just want to remember you, and clearly remember our time together. I don't want to forget you.

On Tressa's birthday I'm going to go see Wicked with Tressa, Jesse, and my Mom. I'm really excited but at the same time I'm really afraid I'm just going to lose it there. Whenever I see/hear anything to do with Wicked I think of you. And then it's play and that will make me think of you.

Especially when I think about the working out thing, (I hope this isn't super selfish to say) I really hope I can find another friend where I will have a good friendship with. Ours was the best, and I hope you thought so too. And if you didn't I'm sorry because it must have been my fault, something I messed up for you. It's so hard to go from having an amazing friend and an amazing friendship back to practically nothing. Plus I think it has all messed me up even more mentally so now I'm afraid it will be even harder to make a really great friend.

I miss you so much Kathleen, I hope you know that, and I hope you know how much you mean to me! I really can not wait to see you again!!

P.S. I think I may have heard you say my name the other night. Friday night I believe. I don't know if it was my imagination or what. But it sounded like you. I had the fan going on and if was raining, and I don't remember what I was doing, but I was thinking about you, and I thought I heard it.

Sorry Glee

So I hope you're not mad but I can't watch Glee anymore. I haven't even tried and I just know that I can't. A few weeks ago Tressa was over here, and she was trying to figure out what songs she missed from a Glee she wouldnt' watch (I'll tell you why she wouldn't watch it in just a moment) and it just made me miss you too much. It was really hard to sit there and JUST watch the videos, not even a full episode. Then last night my parents were watching on the the computer (they got rid of their satellite), and just hearing it and seeing like 5 seconds was really really really hard. I think it's so hard because you were really the only reason I watched Glee. I had kinda lost interest in it but then you kept asking me about it, and Spencer said he had watched them at school so I thought, "Ok, I'll watch them with Spencer so I can talk to Kathleen about what happened in them." And I really enjoyed our Glee rants, even though now they seem so pointless. Even before you left I tried to see if anyone else was as good about Glee ranting as you were but none of them even came close. It's not the same anymore, and I don't want to feel sad and just hurt because I miss you so much, the whole time I'm watching it, so I'm just not going to watch it anymore.

Now the reason Tressa didn't watch one episode is because it was one where multiple people were having sex for the first time. She said she knows one couple for sure was Blaine and Kurt. She's not sure who the others were. My parents watched that episode and said it was pretty bad. They wish they hadn't watched it. The one little part I saw last night, Finn was proposing to Rachel. And I don't know if you ever saw the aspburgers girl, but she's in the Glee club too. I miss you Kathleen. I hung up the only pictures I have of you and me toghether, from our shopping trip last year, and I see them everyday and I STILL can't believe you're gone. I'll remember you always.

Expectations

I think I hold too high of expectations in all aspects of my life. It seems to be I am constantly being disappointed with they way things happen. For example, last night I went to Tressa's for some crafting, and I was looking forward to it; thought it would be a lot of fun, and it was just ok. Of course, after I was only there for a few minutes I was disappointed and just kept thinking about how disappointed I was which continue to ruin my eveing so I know that was my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me that I just can't ever be happy with what I've got and I just continue to let myself be disappointed. I just want the things that I do to be fun and I start getting excited about them and thinking about them in my head and I start picturing what it will be like and I think it's going to be great and we'll have some laughs, we'll have fun and it will be a great memory, but things keep falling short and I dont' know if I just have an aweful personality, or if it's me or what, but I just wish you were here to talk to about it. Once we were hanging out I was never disappointed with how it went. It was always exactly what I needed. You were an awesome friend and perfect for me. And my life just got way harder since you left. I know that's so selfish to say but it's true. I just dont' handle things well at all anymore. I need you here to talk to about them, you helped me work it all out, or helped me realize 'yes I really am being stupid' or whatever my problem was. And then I always end up thinking about you and how much I miss you and you're all I want to talk about, but I can't talk to anyone about it. That's what makes this all harder is I can't talk to anyone about you and how much I miss you. It just gets really weird and everyone gets really quite and they don't say anything, so then I'm just left feeling stupid and even more alone.

I just still can't believe you're gone. I'll sit there and relive the viewing, and the day I found out and everything and I still don't believe it. I need you. You know what sometimes even makes me feel more sad about this, is I don't know what life will be like once I leave this phase of it. I don't know how quickly I will get to see you, how often, or if it will even matter. I know families will be together forever, but I don't know about friends. I don't know if we won't have anything to talk about because it will be so different; like all of our shows, and movies, and complianing and venting, and all the stupid stuff that we talked about will even matter or be remembered.

I even tried talking to my mother alittle bit there other night in the car coming back from zoo lights, about some of my issues, and she just told me what I need to do, or what I should do, or that I'm over reacting and stuff like that. I just wanted someone who would listen to me, try to understand my feelings and how frustrated I am but instead I pretty much got a,"grow up and deal with it and this is how." She just made me feel worse and miss you so much. You could say those same things but in a much nicer way.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it was hard not to question it at first, but it's become a lot harder, and of course that makes me more upset that I'm starting to think a lot more often, "Why did she have to go now? I need her and I just want her back."

They are One

After writing last night I started to think about why I haven't written lately, and I've had this thought sparadically before; the reason I don't think I'm writing because a lot of what I want to tell you is just things I'm dealing with in my life, things that may not even involve you besides the fact that I want to talk to you about it. I was feeling bad that they weren't all about you; they way I feel about you being, things that reminded me of you, things that we would usually talk about. I wanted this blog to be about YOU, just you. But through that I wanted it to be things that I would usually tell you. And the more I think about it, we always talked about how something or someone made us feel. So I think I am going to be writing more, becuase the more I think about it, I think you and I were like open Journals to each other. Instead of writing down what we were feeling we said it to each other, at leasts that's how I was with you. And some things we may have actually been written down, but I think (at least I hope) you get what I mean. I didn't want this to end up being like my blog about my life and the secret feelings I have, but in one way it kinda is going to be that, and I say this with an awful feeling of not wanting to do it for that reason, but I did tell you a lot of my secret feelings, and I was so greatful you were here for that. And I hate to say it but I need to tell my secret feelings to someone, but I can only trust you. So I will have to just do it through this blog. I want to keep MY blog about me and my feelings separate from your blog about my feelings for you and things that remind me of you and things I would normally tell you, but I ultimately can't because if you were here, I would tell you everything that I'm going to say on this blog. I can't separate them because they are one.

Just too strange

I know I haven't said anything for a while. I feel stupid and redundant saying it, but I still can't believe you're not here anymore. I miss you like crazy all the time. Almost every day it seems like I think of something I want to write on here, but I don't end up doing it for this reason or for that. You know me better than anyone else, sometimes I think even better than my husband, if not then very close to it. I told you things I never told him, I never told anyone in my family, and I never even told Melissa. It sucks that I only knew you for such a short time, but I love that I became that close to you. I trust you like I trust nobody else. I feel selfish for the reasons I miss you, only because I miss how you were there for me, I miss being able to tell you everything and know that no matter what you weren't going to judge me and think too differently of me. I miss venting to you, I even miss you venting to me. I just miss you.

Friday: Viewing

I waited as long as I possibly could to get ready for it. I tried not to think about it because when I did, I got huge nautious terridactles in my stomach. I had no idea what to expect, what I might feel, or what I might see. Even now as I'm writing this, I'm trying to decide how much detail I really want to remember. I KNOW you're still alive Kathleen. Your body might be empty right now, but your spirit may be more alive now then it ever was; and your body and spirit will be reunited once again, in an even more perfect state then they were before. Since I know this to be true, I don't know if I really want to remember the things I saw and experienced on Friday.

Well, I'll start with the small things. I wanted to get both you and your mother flowers, but because I had never done this before, I had both the girls and no Mom to help watch them, and I was trying to avoid getting ready for it, I found out I waited a little too long to figure out the flower thing. I was able to get both you and your mother a rose; hers was red and yours was pink. I thought I would support our local flower shop (that and I was waiting for my Dad to get home from practice at 3:40 and I knew if we made a stop in town we would be cutting it too close). So around 2:30 I went with the girls to get the mail and to get the roses. I knew I was supposed to get white, but they didn't have any, at least not out. And I said I wanted them wrapped because I thought that was just a piece of tissue paper and a little ribbon. Turns out it also includes a nice plastic, and greenery and leaves (or something like that) it took 1/2hr. I was getting so worried. I still had to get dressed, and make sure I had everything ready for the girls. (I know procrastination).

To make matters even  more difficult, there was an accident earlier that day on I-5 northbound, right in Centralia and it closed the freeway until two. Dad got home later then he had said, so I was already starting to worry, but we were also supposed to drop the girls off at Erica's and pick up Tressa, well that didn't happen. Right before exit 76 traffic got bad. So we decided to get off the freeway, but town traffic was almost just as bad. So I called Tressa and told her to meet us there. It's almost 4:20 and the viewing was supposed to end at 5.

 We finally made it there around 4:35 or so I think. Both Tressa and Dad grabbed one of my girls and then Tressa grabbed my hand. I was so nervous and scared and I started crying. I was SOO glad she was there. I remember everything so vividly, as if I can see it on a t.v. or something. I went and sat in the back because I was still a little unsure about seeing your body. Your Mom saw me come in and I gave her a hug and she told me I was your best friend and that you loved me very much. I said the same thing to her because it's true. I met your cousin Gloria, she's very nice. Your Mom and Gloria both took me by the hand and said they would walk up with me. I started to but as soon as I could see your face all the way I stopped and said I couldn't do it. I didn't want to remember you like that. And things get stuck in my head so easily, I didn't want that sad image of you in there. I want to remember as being happy, smiling, and laughing. So I asked Gloria to give you the rose I had gotten you. She placed it on your chest, the only one that wasn't on the casket.  So I just sat back down with your Mom and she held my hand. We talked about how she was doing, about you, and about your celebration of life. She went to go see some other people and my Mom showed up.

Finally Tressa told me she would take me up there and I could just close my eyes. She said she had been preparing for this all week and she could do it. So that's what I did. I really hope you were there and you heard it. I really hope we are friends in the next section of our lives. I don't really understand what that next part is going to be like and how that is going to work, but I hope we find each other shortly after my arrival and we can be friends quite literally forever.

What a Coinsidence!

Don't worry I will talk about Friday, I just haven't quite figured out how I even feel about it yet. So really quickly, just something that I find just a teeny, tiny but funny, today Gill passed away. And now why do I think it is just a little bit funny? Well, because you ALWAYS thought he was dead, and you always asked me if he was dead. Everyone else did it too, but you were at my house the most and it seems as though you said it every time. And almost within the same week that you pass away, so does Gill. Maybe he loved you so much, he wanted to go with you too. I'm sorry, I know I probably shouldn't find that funny, and I don't really think it is, it just made me chuckle a teen tiny bit, and I don't know maybe I just find it really ironic.

And of course I'm starting to experience things that I would have texted you about. For example, tonight, and actually RIGHT NOW, Spencer wanted me to stay the night with him at this place, and I really don't like being alone at night at this point in time, so I'm at his place. But he had to go to weight lifting with the cross country team. He dropped me off before, so I was hoping his roommates would be here, so it wouldn't be quite so awkward. But nope, none of them were here. Cameron just got home a couple of minutes ago, but I'm in Spencer's room with the door almost shut all the way, so I don't think he realized. And I sat here for a couple of minutes trying to decide what to do. I even went out of the room once but didn't see anyone right away so went back inside. I finally decided to go out to the kitchen (where I heard he was at) and let him know that I was here. Even though he knows I'm here, it's still really awkward, at least for me. I wish I could text you about it. I miss you.

Today

Today is your viewing. I'm really nervous about it. I want to say goodbye but I also don't want to be left with a horrifying image of you. My Dad and sister Tressa are going to come. Spencer has to race in Bellingham tomorrow and his team leaves at 3:30 and have a mandatory meeting before hand. I talked to Brittany a little bit on facebook today. Trying to get all the information for today. She's not going to be able to make it because she can't get out of work, but she also said that she doesn't want to remember you like that, and she doesn't think you would want that either. I feel so bad for all the things I can't remember that were said between us. I can't remember if we ever talked about viewings and going and how we would feel about them or not. My Mom asked me some questions about your heart, and I KNOW we talked about it, but I can't quite remember some of the things you said, or what we talked about. Specifically, my Mom asked if you knew something like this could happen. I couldn't remember. I know when I heard it was a heart attack, it didn't necissarily suprise me, but I couldn't remember if you had said anything about it before hand. I hope I know the right words to say to you and to your Mom. I hope you're there too. I kinda hope I can see you. I don't think I would be scared. I would treasure the last look of you in a happier state.

Other Links

Wednesday, I did finally find those two other links that you sent me and I watched them. And here are my thoughts.

First the Draco video: That was totally funny how he said, "Rolling on the floor?....... SHE????" I love his accent. I actually love most accents. Thank you for sharing that, and I'm super sorry I didn't look at it before. It's probably something that frustrated you, how it usually took me a while to respond to things. I know, I'm awful at it, and I feel even worse, because this all makes me want to do better at it, and I think for the most part I have. All the regrets I have with our friendship(and they are ONLY my faults and the fact that I wasn't a better friend) and the fact that I lost you so quickly is probably going to make me want to make sure that doens't happen agian. I'm sorry that (trying to find the right words to say) I couldn't just be a better friend to you, and I'm really starting to change that only after/because you're gone. That's unfair to you. You're my best friend and you should have been treated better by me. And I hate that I keep thinking about ME and ME not having friends any more. You know the things I struggled with. I mean look at us, how long did it take for me to really open up to you, put my guard down, and actually want to be friends? But that's so selfish of me. I just lost you, I shouldn't be so caught up in my and my friend problem. I feel bad, because all I keep doing is apologizing to you. But I feel like that's all I can do.

You are Loved

So your cousin (who at first I thought was your aunt) asked me to "help spread the word"; her words not mine. So I sent out an e-mail with the information about your services to a few people I had on my facebook who knew you. I told them they didn't need to reply to me, I just wanted to let them know. Well one of the people was Bowen, and this is what he sent me,

"i am so sorry but i will not be able to make it but it is only out of geographic disposition. i want to say it was always a pleasure to run into kathleen and i am very grateful for the evenshort amount of time i knew her. my thoughts and condolences are with her family. and thank you for the info melia and i am sorry i cant make it"

I figured that would make you  happy. I know it did me. You are loved and missed by many. I just wanted you to know that.

Voice of the People: A Familiar Voice

So Wendesday I was looking in the paper, (sorry I was actually looking to see if there was anything in there about you) and on the opposite page was the Voice of the People, and who should be one of those people quoted? Sean from acting class. So I more than instantly thought of you. The question was asking about this bad economy and having to change your career choice. He said the economy had effected him because he's been out of work for a year, but he wouldn't change his career choice, he loves theater and that's what he wants to do.

Thor

So, after I found out I asked my Mom to run to WalMart and buy Thor so I could watch it for you. When we got home Spencer and I watched it. And I wish two things; One that I just would have watched it before hand so I could talk to you about it, and Two that I just would have let you talk to me about it anyhow. And the later one is for two reasons again; One because I cannot remember why you like the villian and I wish I did, I want to know your thoughts, but now I don't get to. I know we'll see each other again, but I don't think this movie will matter anymore, but maybe it will. and Two it was a lot like the series we started, so I knew most of everything that was going to happen. And you know in the last few episodes of that series, The Avengers deal with Loki trying to take over, and he mentioned that he got exiled on purpose, so I wonder if that's what the Avengers are going to deal with too, because of the very last scene in Thor with Loki and the unlimited power. Sorry hopefully I didn't spoil it for you.

Links

So I just watched the link you sent me about the fan made video about Harry Potter. It was really good. I'm sorry I didn't watch it before now. I am so sorry. And I'm also sorry, I didn't even get the message about Mary. If I had I would have replied, but yes that is the Mary from acting class. I then went and looked on your friends list and she wasn't there. I'm so sorry I stopped you two from being reunited before you left. That video must have taken a long time to make to find the right pictures, and match them up with the words. It was very mooving too. Although that might be in part to how I'm feeling right now because of you. So after it was over it said the next video was of Daniel Radcliff learning how to speak American English, so I watched it, and it was pretty funny. They also had Emma Watson, Ron and Draco there, and they would give them some "American" phrases that they were supposed to say. I really wish I could show you. The last one was "Twilight blows" Emma said something about it being a conspiracy and was laughing. I'm trying to find the other links you sent me and watch those too.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I wasn't a better best friend. I should have talked to you more. I knew you felt lonely but I was so stuck in my own depression, I wasn't being the friend I was supposed to be, the friend I should have been, the friend I wanted to be, but just couldn't figure out how to do it. I'm so sorry Kathleen, I just kept apologizing to you for being that way, but I never changed. I'm sorry I didn't reply to your emails/posts with links on them. I didn't even watch them. I wanted to put just kept putting it off, I don't know why. I'm so sorry!! I hope you can forgive me. I'm trying so hard not to cry. I'm sorry I didn't help you move. I should have, I really did think that I would have just made it worse with the girls, but at least I would have been able to see you. It is quite interesting but that's not the word I'm looking for, ironic, that's the word, that Total Eclipse of the Heart, reminded me of you because of our Karoke night at your house, and so I wanted to listen to it because it reminded me of you, but a lot of the words, really do go along with how I'm feeling, so it fits in that sense too. I hope that made some kind of sense. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. You are my very best friend. I love you.

Not Getting Easier

Although, really it's only been two days since I found out, I didn't expect it to, but still. I miss you so much! You know every now and then I think, "We didn't talk or see each other all the time, so hopefully it won't be that hard." But it is. Especially since RIGHT NOW is the time that I would be talking to you. You just started school, and you just moved so we would be talking about. I would be listening to all your frustrations (not complaining at all. I miss your vents.) and roommate problems, your fears about college, how job is going. And now I'm just trying to survive listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart all the time, and trying not to cry. I'm worried after I go to the viewing and your Celebration of Life, it will only get worse, because then I will have to admit you're not here anymore.

Justice League

I'm sitting here watching Justice League because it reminds me of you. I'm watching the episode where Darkside asks the Justice League for help, something about High Father, Orien, Apacaplyps(sp?), and Geneside, and everytime I watch this episode, I get confused about whose who and what exactly they're talking about. It's something I would have asked you about and I'm sure you would have known the answer. I guess this time I will have to ask my Dad. But I just watched Thor for you last night, so High Father, reminds me of that. I wonder if they're supposed to be like that.

Seperated

Yesterday I got a phone call from my mother-in-law asking how I was doing. I was confused so I answered in a confused voice, "Fine." She asked me if one of my friends past away. I said not that I knew of why. She said nevermind maybe it was just a rumor. I told I wanted to know what she was talking about, so after a short battle back and forth, she told me she recieved a text from Austin saying, "Melia's best friend died." I immediately called Austin, and he said he saw something on facebook. So I went to facebook and there it was on your page. Your aunt said you passed away Saturday!! :,( I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. Even now, everytime I hear the phone ring I keep hoping it's going to be your voice, saying, "Psych!" I would be so relieved I don't even know if I could be mad. But nope. The last phone call was from your Mom telling me some details about the funeral.

I'm starting this blog for you and for me. For me because I think it will help to get my feelings out, and for you because I know there's things that I'm going to want to talk to you about, and I don't know if there are computers in heaven or if you even know I'm writing this stuff, but if you can then you will still know that I love you, I miss you, I care about you, I will NEVER forget you, and I'm looking forward to see you again. I don't know if I should be emailing your inbox anymore, so that's why I'm doing it here. I know you're going to laugh at this, but it's like in New Moon after the Cullen's leave and Belle e-mails Alice even though it always come back saying that e-mail doesn't exsist anymore. It really does help to think that I can still talk to you. Whenever I write stuff on here, I'm sure I'll always being hearing your voice in my head about what you would probably really say.  And that's how I want it to be. I don't want to ever forget you!!! You mean so much to me. I'm so greatful I found you! You were the best friend I ever had. You are an amazing person. I keep listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart. And you know, alot of the words pertain to how I'm feeling. On a best friend base level. Not a romantic level.

I just can't believe you're gone. My mind just cannot wrap around that idea. I'm sure it will hit me alot harder at the furneral.

I really hope you are happier there. Learning about the truth of the gospel and knowing we and you and your family will be together again someday. And I don't know, but I'm guessing you're pretty busy up there, since you just arrived and learning about lots of things. So hopefully the time will pass quickly. I don't know much of what it's like in heaven, but I really hope you're with your cat again. Someone to keep you company. I don't know if you know a lot of people you have passed on, but I guess your grandparents did. I just don't want you to be lonely up there.

I think you would laught at how Isabell talks about you now. This morning I started crying agian and Isabell was on the couch and Ellie in the high chair in the living room. Isabell looks over to me at the table and says, "Is that a happy girl? No, that's not a happy girl is it Ellie? That's a sad girl. Mama, why are you said agian?"
I said to her, "I'm sad because I miss Kathleen."
Isabell, "You miss Kathleen. She's in heaven now right?"
Of course almost that whole time she's just talking in a happy/slightly fake voice. She's just so matter-of-the-fact when she talks about it.

I love you and I hope you know that.